Saturday, March 01, 2008

79

well here is a thing to share with you ....
Today I sort of had this imaginary flight of fancy in my head (can't recall what set it off) and I was imagining living for another 30 years and being 79 .. and somehow I realised that is the first time I've imagined myself seriously further ahead than a few months since this caper started

It feels like a momentous thing, somehow, to get back that sense of a future, however short-live that feeling is.

It also made me realise that for a very long time I have been totally resigned to the idea that my life-expectancy is short ... and how hard it is to think outside that idea (mainly cos my oncologist told me there's a 66% chance of it coming back this year!) hard to imagine being the 1 in 3 who gets a reprieve ... somehow ..

maybe I've been being too pragmatic in having that short-life idea in the back of my mind all the time... anyway, today's little spark of imagining a future was rather special ...

I mean I dont sit around imagining myself DEAD, or even being upset about that .. I'm pretty blase about that in fact, just a wimp at the idea of more pain and more pain and more pain that you have to go through with cancer before you get to the "peaceful oblivion" thing ....

"thinking positive" and live your life" mantras are more than just words, but I can't bring myself to be pollyanna and oblivious to the reality ... except that is might NOT be the reality .. the bus I sense hurtling towards me might suddenly slam the brakes on ...

and I might live to be 79

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hooray! Good for you suze, really pleased you have had this insight!
annecalico x

Anonymous said...

Gosh Sue! What can I say? You are such an inspiration to us all. Lots of love. cousin Pauline. xx

Anonymous said...

We don't really know each other suze but i've follow your progress since you were first ill both on GB and more recently on your blog. The 'big C' has always been my biggest fear. You are an absolute inspiration to me, and many people i'm sure. I'm so pleased your able the think positively of the future suze!!! Thank you for keeping up your blog. i'm sure there were days when it was the last thing you wanted to do. Even though i rarely post please keep it up cos i'm sure there are many of us who are truely interested in your progress. Wishing you well xx Cherrysoda xx

Anonymous said...

I see you at T&J's life events - weddings, their children being welcomed to the world, 18th 21st etc etc. It's our job to embarrass them and there is no get out clause. Julie

Anonymous said...

Well done you Suzie, I think that this big C just takes over your life everything and you cannot get past IT - so good for you in peering beyond and seeing that there may be a future as there may be for any of us really - but we choose to ignore that fact most of the time.
With love,

Ian.

Anonymous said...

Oh, this made me go all teary. I HOPE you'll live to 79 and have a jolly good run of it, Suze, four-posters and dry-stone walls and work and play and fun.
Oh - and I know Llandudno is at the other end of Wales, but you know Ive been living in Cardiff now for a while, and should you ever pass by South Wales, do give me a shout, it would be great to meet you. :o)

Anonymous said...

Oh Suze, only just come into contact with you through GB and jeez you are some lady. It cant have been easy for you but you have kept your blog up to date.... I think it is everyone's fear the Big C but you are just awesome. What a marvelous person you sound and so glad we have met such a lovely person. H & M x

suze said...

haha

well, very kind of you, but really you don't know me - I have a very sharp side as well as many will tell you!

and like I said earlier - a total addict to the internet!

Anonymous said...

I prefer your sharp-tongued, internet-addicted side, anyway. :-p