Saturday, September 27, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Complacent
Two of my internet pals, women whom I've met through sharing an experience of bowel cancer, have been in touch to tell me that they are ill again. It's chilling news, and underlines the fear that stops me feeling complacent about my current good fortune.
I seem to be in a constant sort of double-think. e.g. I was just prepping some stuff for my students, and thinking about how I am going to set our a tight schedule and keep them on target etc .. and yet underneath that optimistic planning is the thought: "If that scan in OK ..."
And we fancy a sunny break at Christmas, but we can't book that yet. It will the top of my things to do list as soon as I get an all-clear in October! Or should I wait for my colonscopy in November?
I seem to be in a constant sort of double-think. e.g. I was just prepping some stuff for my students, and thinking about how I am going to set our a tight schedule and keep them on target etc .. and yet underneath that optimistic planning is the thought: "If that scan in OK ..."
And we fancy a sunny break at Christmas, but we can't book that yet. It will the top of my things to do list as soon as I get an all-clear in October! Or should I wait for my colonscopy in November?
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Back to work, proper-like
I am really enjoying my new timetable. It's enough to do for me, and it's engaging, without taking over my whole life 24/7 like it used to. I'm loving the opportunity to be back there, and the team is HUGE now, with MEN!! What's the world coming to, eh?
I guess the pleasure I'm getting from being back is making me feel more apprehensive than I have before about the tests and scans I need to have next month. I now have a really strong feelng that I DON'T want to lose this comfort again ..where as when I was IN treatment, there was more a sense of resignation, that that was what I was used to, my norm, I guess.
I've achieved my main objective today, which was to get Dr A's agreement that I need a CT scan next month ..well he doesn't "agree" that I need it -- with his magical x-ray eyes he knows it will be alright .. but to set my mind at rest he is going to order a scan for me ... a date with Huw. This might seem contradictory, to what I wrote above ... but Dr A's opinion twelvemonths ago, that there was a "high risk of secondaries in the first year after treatment" is still not far from my thoughts. I want the re-assurance of a proper look He was planning bloods alone, and I didn't think that was going to calm me down .. my cancer never particularly showed in my blood in the first place! Having got the CT scan pencilled in makes me feel calmer, for now at least!
I guess the pleasure I'm getting from being back is making me feel more apprehensive than I have before about the tests and scans I need to have next month. I now have a really strong feelng that I DON'T want to lose this comfort again ..where as when I was IN treatment, there was more a sense of resignation, that that was what I was used to, my norm, I guess.
I've achieved my main objective today, which was to get Dr A's agreement that I need a CT scan next month ..well he doesn't "agree" that I need it -- with his magical x-ray eyes he knows it will be alright .. but to set my mind at rest he is going to order a scan for me ... a date with Huw. This might seem contradictory, to what I wrote above ... but Dr A's opinion twelvemonths ago, that there was a "high risk of secondaries in the first year after treatment" is still not far from my thoughts. I want the re-assurance of a proper look He was planning bloods alone, and I didn't think that was going to calm me down .. my cancer never particularly showed in my blood in the first place! Having got the CT scan pencilled in makes me feel calmer, for now at least!
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
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