An interesting thing about being back inside was the way that both the environment and the surgical side of it all seemed related to the first operation ... in particular recalling how bloody painful the first operation was and various other terrible pain memories that all shot back into my head .. which I'd rather not re-live.
I was also repeatedly reminded of the ghastly, echoing, pinging sound of the chemo drips that I used to have punctuating my life for three days at a time. I have totally disengaged myself from those memories now, but being back in there I kept hearing other people's alarms going off and it was **hard** having to remember it all. I felt so unemotional going through it the first time I was surprised to feel churned up by the memories when chemo is no longer on the agenda. It made me wonder how I would be now if the last scan had found something growing and chemo was back in my routine? OK, a fairly pointless musing, but you have to do something in your morphine haze.
I conclude that part of my best defence against cancer seems to be a great ability to forget things really quickly! So don't take it personally if I forget something about YOU - I am busy deleting huge chunks of the last two years and sometimes some decent stuff gets excised too.
2 comments:
I so love your ability to reinvent dementia as a defence mechanism. The terrible news is that however much you delete I will still be there. Julie
haha -- My dear sister -- I'm very glad you will always be there :)
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