I've been a bit reflective this week. Partly, I guess cos it is time to do some thinking, after the diagnosis that the cancer is back and the sudden whirl of treatments, and then Christmas comes buzzing in, and now it is a lull.
I think Sandra's death also filtered into this reflective process, as well. In addition I had a letter I got from a mate saying " Do you plan on working for as long as you can then? I could see me cashing in my critical illness cover and travelling off round the world for a year. "
Well, what do I want to do?
I've generally taken my lead from Dr Adab (live your life) and my own philosphy that happiness is garnered from living a normal life, but I start to wonder now if that made more sense when I could think that I was going to get better and could think of a relatively normal life-span and now we know the bugger is back and in general ppl do not "get better" from this, it is a matter of a shorter life span and a lot of treatment to secure even that.
One of my internet pals has started to plan his treatment more on the basis of what he wants in terms of quality of life, in discussion with the palliative care staff at his hospice. I don't think I'm at that stage yet, my two secondaries are only small and there is the hope that this chemo can blast them and then I can have some time with nothing, again ..
some time
No-one can tell me how much, that's not what I'm reflecting on .. but how to use my time now, just carry on the same/ think of going back to work? keep a normal routine going .. or think of branching out in different ways while I still have capacity to choose and undertake different options ....
What do you think?
btw I updated my Take Heart Blog today .. more reflections on mortality if you're minded to take a look.
12 comments:
I think it's useful for all of us to draw up a wishlist of 'Things we want to do before we die.' You're more likely to get some of yours done in the circumstances.
You may discover that, really, you just want to spend most of your time with B and being as normal as possible. But if you want to zip wire over a Costa Rican rainforest, now's the time to book!
Lotsa love,
J x
well it's very personel isn't it?
depending on what you are asking... what should YOU do, or what would WE do?
For me, it would be paramount to spend whatever time with the people I really would want to be with, whether that is zip wiring together as Jay 1 has suggested, or enjoying domestic bliss...as YOU have been doing.
It's very easy for others to think they would want to travel the world, but actually when your whole world is right there with you, why expend that energy if it isn't a burning desire.
And in your particular situation B would surely want to explore other options with you and would that be feasible for her?
Normality goes a long way to contentment.
like I say, very personal.
Jay 2 xxxxx
oh aye, I'm asking what would YOU do ..
I'm not very interested in global travel, never have been -- and anyrate cant actually when I'm in treatement!
it's just the broader questions, esp re work and retirement, I guess..
hi Susan - first of all , so sorry to hear about Sandra , a good friend you obviously have fond memories of. And she taught you well - by the time I met you ( 1991 ) there was little evidence of you needing to be saved from your own naivity - she must have given you a healthy dose of scepticism and common sense in your youth.
As to what people think you should do re. work / travel / fulfilling ambitions etc .I would say indulge your passions as far as you are able. Provide your body with as much soul food as you can. My passions are reading , the outdoors / nature , seeing new places , being with family . I've just booked holiday to Madeira to indulge all four of these. I'm going with my mum . I feel the clock ticking too , even though I'm in good health I know I don't have decades ahead with my mum , years maybe but not decades - I'm trying to pack as much in as I can. Why not book a lovely cottage somewhere uplifting , fitting around appointments , armed with some great reading material . You have given so much to work - have a proper break from it if that's what you want.
I would follow my heart. And I think you are very good at following yours honey. And I would love to think you will get every last drop of sweetness! Lx
Hi Sue, I can only say follow your heart. Only you can do that, as it is a very personal thing.
Regarding the question of continuing with your career, as opposed to retiring, then it does depend on how much you really love the work. If for instance you miss it to the point that you would do it without a salery because you miss it that much, then you may need to stay. But if you don't do it for love, it is pointless, in my eyes to continue. I must just say that is a personal oppinion.
I just mean that if the salery/wages are out of the picture then a person would work for the joy it brings.
But apart from paying bills & living a certain lifestyle, my oppinion is that often we work out of sheet habit, or because we feel it is wrong not to work. We have needed to think thaty way so that society can function.
But if 'the toad, work' is put under the magnifying glass & analized for it's worth a different picture may emerge. It takes meditation & focus which is very very hard to do. Partly because money creeps into it somewhere along the line.
But if you focus on what you really, really want to do for yourself & partner, as a family unit, then you will find your answer.
For me personally, I wouldn't give work much of an option. But the work I can get isn't exactly fullfilling. So it is all down to how the work feels to you.
So listen to your heart & let it rule your head. That is my oppinion.
I know that you will find your answer soon & in so doing you will find yourself. But it is a tough choice.
Lots of love, Cousin Pauline. xxx
Yes, thanks, folks,very interesting.
What you say, Poe. Money isn't really the big deal, I have a wife who earns plenty and she shares it all with me, .. plus could probably get my pension as being terminally ill ... and my pay is already a lot less than what it was when I was full-time and HoD.
I DO enjoy my job, and enjoyed going back last year, Going part time was part of that idea of being easier, being more fluid and relaxed in my life ...
Cathy, I think your list of passions is very similar to mine, I get a lot of pleasure from my friends, and my inter-net triva as well! I don't have to go abroad to enjoy scenery, the views from the hills here where I live lift my mood every time I go up there. Even more so if I do it on my bike so that my heart rate is raised and the buzz is great!
oops - missed my friends out of my list of passions. We are both lucky to have such good friends whose company is such a pleasure and who are such a source of strength and loyalty. As for work - you never know , you never can tell - one day it just might be a big part of your life again.In the meantime enjoy the passions which are less tiring ( much as I love my subject and teaching , it does wear you out )
that did get me thinking.. and of course it is very personal and I think until you are actually in this situation you can only reply assuming that this is how you would behave yourself...
I think you can carry on as normal but certainly not the same as before as life is never the same.. it certainly is good to reassess what you want to do with your life and see if you will be able to.. certainly follow your heart and if things feel right and you can do them, do them.. I would be one of these people that would like to travel but that's me! :-)
Lots of love! Kasia
yes, you are more interested in travel than I am, kasia. Of course the reality of travelling is you can't do it with the treatment regime, and then you can't get insurance, which might be a real drawback ...
Hi suze; as you know I took early retirement, and it does release you from unnecessary irritations and leaves you free to re-discover interests you feel passionate about ..
.. you will know I volunteer teach safety stuff to Year 6 school children at a specialized centre - a colleague and I were looking at our photo gallery of volunteers, committee and managers the other day - all 91 of them - and I realised I am acquainted with every single one, it was such a good feeling. It's what you miss when you leave work, your world suddenly shrinks ... especially if you've worked somewhere that involves bumping into hundreds of people on a daily basis like you do (and I did). Without this structured activity a couple of times a week, which has commitments and challenges, I would feel quite depressed. Hobbies, like painting, don't have the same effect. My colleague, who is also retired, agreed.
.. the point of this story is, to say if you do decide to retire, try to keep your world 'broad', your close friends and family are precious but try to find an activity that is a kind of para-work where you meet lots of people, but where there is patience and discretion about any medical issues.
Anne/guppy xxx
That's good advice, guppy,
I think that is one of the great things about my job, as a teacher do interact with lots of ppl, and many of those interactions are creative / interesting at that !
I never feel bored at work, that's for sure!
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