butter

Butter is a forbidden food at our house. But if you just happen to decide you need to treat your mate to a steak for tea, and the steak just NEEDS garlic butter** then you will have some lurking in the kitchen for a day or two after ...

and then if you just happen to be in the Co-Op when they have a basket of reduced-to-clear-crumpets by the till, so you can't miss seeing them .. well then you have breakfast made in heaven .. don't you?

** Nigel Slater's Recipe for garlic butter with steak:
50g butter
two large tablespoons chopped parsley (that's a lot)
1 tsp Dijon mustard
juice of 1/2 lemon
salt
large garlic clove, crushed with the salt

soften the butter and blend the other stuff into it .. amazing how the parsley goes in .. this is just scrummy on a steak and jacket spud ... (ask Mr K!)

Today is a back to hospital day. I'm really starting to feel the cumulative effect of the chemo now, and am generally quite tired and low energy pretty much all of the time ...

I am enjoying thinking about the shed, and we spent a happy weekend pottering around gardens (Biddulph Grange) and garden centres (too numerous to mention) in search of a water feature and new pots for the deck. We bought a lot of new pots, and as soon as the shed and deck are painted we can pot them out .. we're going very simple with geraniums and lavander, for their drought resistance. We might just re-cycle the water feature we used to have here, b4 we got the giant marble one we invested in a couple of years ago.

Wandering around and gasping at the prices of things B and I conclude we've turned into the older generation, as we are endlessly amazed at how dear things seem!

Retiring

I'm inside again. Thanks go out to Sam for bringing me in, and I hope Barbara and Dom had a good day together.

I also missed Mr K this week, swanning around in the sun in Scotland. This time last year we were up there together and B and I are jealous of the lovely rides he is doing.

---------------------------------------------------

I am pursuing early retirement for ill-health now, a very tough decision but I think the right one. It feels like arguing against myself ... you know what I mean?

I went back to college when I was in remission, and really enjoyed it, but things are different now, and I can't see me pushing myself to it again ... my new bowel configuration is the tin-lid on it, really, cos you can't teach from the loo ... to say nothing of the repeated chemo and its side-effects, of course.

My occupational (teacher's) pension (TPA) will pay out on ill-health grounds if they accept that I am:
a) unable to work
b) this condition is permenant ...

that's all the criteria are .. pretty simple, in a way, it's not an easy thing to accept emotionally .. but I think it's true for me on both counts ...

The paperwork depends very heavily on what my oncologist says ... I think he needs to know more about my erratic bowel action before he fills in the form, cos we never talk about it (what's the point!) except now there IS a point, he needs to know so that he can fill in these forms ..

I've already done some of what the TPA like you to do first, i.e. step down to an easier job (used to be head of a large dept) and also gone very part-time (currently only earn a 1/3 of what I was on 4 years ago!) so I've shown willingness to continue while it looked like I could staying remission .. so that should help my case.

I saw the occupational health doctor on Tuesday, and he agreed that I am unfit for work. I cried a fair bit, I must admit.

Update

I've enjoyed having the extra week off -- I feel almost normal now .. well, you know, as normal as I'll ever be!

We had a great time in Lyme Regis, and enjoyed seeing everyone. Crazy Golf was the hightlight of the week for me. Kid sister Julie can still weild a winning club, after all these years!

Other highlights:

• some lovely fish-meals out with family
• the screen dad made for my elephant tapestry (it looks great in front of the fire place, dad!)
• getting our credit card queried as Street cos I was using it so fast and furiously!
• the fossil-walk-talk thing on Charmouth beach
• B drinking 4 pints on Sat watching Chelsea v Man U ... she hardly drinks any more, so she was more than a little :: cough :: tipsy!
• chocolate!

It is true that chocolate is addictive .. I keep craving it now.

We've also been making progress with the Shed since we got back .. I was working on firming up the kitchen plans today. It looks very lovely. Assuming that Chris (our workman) hasn't won the lottery then things should get moving more over the next week or two!

Easter!

Dr Adab has given me an extra week off so B and I can still get a week away in Lyme Regis. I hope it isn't snowing down there! We're packing extra blankets for cosiness in the caravan.

I'm looking forward to seeing all the family down there, and getting my hands on the things dad's been making for me, to say nothing of the aforementioned coffee set.

crockery

mum and dad are giving us this old coffee set of theirs, which I have always loved:

shopaholics anonymous

We went on a spree in Dwell, to get more furniture for the shed ... images not to scale, the round table is 110cm, a small dining table, the squarish ones are quite small!

Bet mum and dad think it's funny getting furniture like they had when I was a kid, though I couldn't see any chairs as nice as the perpex ones they used to have, at least these ones are swivelly!

shed getting cleared out!

inside the shed

The interior as it is now ....

The current lady owner thinks she is going to give this sofa to charity.

IMHO she will struggle to get anyone to take it off her hands!

Below you can see the DFS sofa we will be using as the lynch pin in our 50's style refit!

We bought a shed

Very excited today ... all about a new project we've got to change our lives quite dramatically - we've become second home owners!! We've bought a lodge a few miles from B's work so she won't have to do all the driving every week in future ... and we will see more of each other, and I will have a lovely new area to explore ..

First pic is how it looked yesterday

DAD - see this!

It has got the most amazing south facing deck ... nearly as big as the lodge itself

You can see more about it's exact location here, on this holiday park:

http://www.ridgewaypark.com/

It looks like this from the outside, which is lovely and the location is really really great ..

inside it is vile and we will be doing a complete refurbishment on it, moving walls, new window, kitchen, bathroom and furniture . . . it will be brilliant!

Buggeration

Brigid has been quite unwell for nearly a week, and it seems I may have picked up her bugs, cos I have some sort of flu thing going on: totally tired (or asleep) feverish, high temp, cold feet, aching joints .. gripey tummy etc ..

Dr Adab will not admit me with these symptoms, so my chemo is delayed .. which is really annoying cos my school-pals were due to come up and see me next week, and we've booked a week in Lyme for Easter, both of which will now clash with chemo dates ... ARGH!

Caked out

We went to London and it seems all we did was eat cake!

We had a couple of little pastries at our hotel breakfast on Saturday: Crown Moran Hotel

We had coffee and biscuit in Covent Garden: up in the air in Chez Gerard with great views out over the Market.

We had mint tea and mini baclavas in a place called the Souk. It was very cosy in the cellar with Arabian drapes and brasslamps.

We had florentine and tea in a French Patisserie: Maison Bertaux

We had chocolate ice creams and sauce from the Haagen Dazs place in Leicester Square.

I won't be able to blame my chemo for my weight gain this week, will I?

In fact, eating cakes is not all we did, cos we had lovely times with Jean, Kt, Jean's mum, and B's sister, Alice ...

And we saw Priscilla, which we thoroughly enjoyed in a high-camp, high-pop, high-kicking-dance sort of way. We had great seats so we could really enjoy the costumes and make-up ... BUT we really thought Jason Donovan was pretty poor as both singer and dancer, luckily the rest of the cast are better than him!

SUN

Would you believe it! How lovely it's been to see blue sky and feel some warmth outside.

I've been busy today, doing a bit of cleaning up in the garden and then roasting a beef joint for some sandwiches tonight. It was meant to be a good omen cos our friend made us beef sandwiches when we went to her house to watch an earlier round of the FA cup ... when Stoke did really well .. hey ho, the omen didn't work, and Stoke were beaten at Chelsea, but the sandwiches were amazing anyway!

Healthwise, the chemo was a bit tough again; sick almost as soon as the iriniticin started on Tuesday, quicker than ever before. The medics quickly stuck another syringe driver on me to deliver anti-emetic, and it helped ... in as much as I was able to drink and eat a bit of banana and toast so I avoided dehydration this time, but it didn't totally stop the vomiting .. bleugh ... and I felt a bit rough. But still!! It was a lot better than the last time.

Came home with the driver on; it makes me really really tired. The drug is a sort of anti-histimine (cyclizine) they're not really sure how it even works to stop the sickness. It really zonks me out ... so even though I still feel quite queasy I asked the District Nurse to take it out this morning. I have had a lot more energy today, so I think that was the right decision.

You might wonder how queasiness reconciles with piling into the beef sandwiches! One sad, but true, thing about nausea is that eating makes it better .. calories a-go-go ! Hey ho again!

I hope the sun shines again as the week goes on, it makes being active a lot more attractive prospect.

shopping trip

Our shopping trip to Manchester today has been declared a great success ...

B got this Ted Baker jacket, tho it looks a bit better on her than on this model!

she also got a bargain mac in TKMaxx and I got a bucketload of Bobbi Brown makeup to try and add a bit of radiance to my weary old face ...

We were proper label-tarts today, we even had our lunch in Harvey Nicks! hehe

mixed

Has been a mixed week: carried on feeling quite sick and very tired after I got out of hospital and had a syringe driver to deliver anti-nausea for three days at home, which is not a big deal but made me a bit sore in the belly. Also had to have those neupogen injections, which may or may not have contributed to the general malaise I've been struggling with this week.

Despite the tiredness I had a good time with B's mum, esp on Tues and Weds when we did some touristy stuff, including a walk around Trentham lake on Tues and a look out at the Westport lake from their new visitors' centre.

I got my hair cut on Thursday, after Jan had set off home and got some grocery shopping today, but didn't do a great lot else the last two days .. too tired and too put off by the sleety rain to get on my bike.

YAWN

xxxxx

bleugh but worth it.

Oh dear.. have had a bad time inside this week. Level of sickness worse than ever before. Couldn't even get a sip of water to stay down, lost count of how many times I was sick, and just needed to sleep and sleep the whole time.

Obviously, not eating or drinkng leads to dehydration, so the doc prescribed extra fluids and thus I had to stay in an extra night as well .

I DO feel better now. They gave me a pump to infuse anti-nausea drugs into my belly (subcut) on a regular basis, and this seems to have done the trick. Will be going home with that still attached in a fetching bum bag arrangement, harldy Louis Vuitton, but hey ho.

Anyrate, that's been the experience, but the good news is my scan shows the tumours on my lung are shrinking .. so the chemo is doing its job ... good news!

newsy suzy

I have been quite busy, lately, haha! It was great to have B's brother over here the last time I was inside, and we are both really grateful that he could make the trip, and bring lovely gifts too .. we just ate the last of the luxury chocs today, out on our ride .. notice that? B makes me save chocs for bike rides, so now you know why I cycle so often!



I've been good about going to my gym since my last stay in hospital - I even went spinning the day after I got out, that's keen, innit? In fact I DIDN'T go this Friday Yesterday) too tired after another one of those loo-bound nights ... but we made up for it with nearly 30 miles of real canal and roads today, we went over to Rode Hall to see the snowdrop Gardens.
























This wasn't our first snowdrop garden, we went over to Upton Hall last Sunday, and also walked around Carsington Water, which was lovely too ... This involved another pub lunch, hot on the heels of the day before when we'd done 14 miles around the Tissington Trail .. rounded it off with sandwich and chips ... no wonder I don't lose any weight with all these pub meals ...



I saw Mr Woolf this week, we went round the lake together and had lunch in the caff there ... so even more calories.



And what hope for this weekend / 1/2 term break? ... since we'll be out for three nights with a la carte dining in Llandudno. Good job we are taking the bikes to keep moving or those stones would be piling back on!





I am coming back from Llandudno and straight into hospital, without even coming home .. which will be a bit weird. The day's been changed to Weds this time, so I can have a scan on Thursday and results while I'm still there on Friday. I have taken on board Mandy's comment that "this scan is to see what PROGRESS we are making".

Indeed.

I will update you on that next Saturday, I guess.



Hope those of you that are in education have a good 1/2 term, we are excited about having a little break and I've got B a lot of little Valentines gifts to add to the excitement.



(¯`v´¯) (¯`v´¯)
*`•.¸(¯`v´¯)¸.•´
** º ♥`•.¸.•´ ♥ º *

Valentines Kisses to y'all

xxxxx

Birthday Boys

Toby and Joe are 12 today .. Happy Birthday to them ..

It seems quite amazing, no doubt, to anyone who has been in my A level langauge classes and seen them stuck forever in the amber of being toddlers, that they are not toddlers anymore!

SO many students of mine have benefitted from the lovely videos my dad and sister made of Toby and Joe over the years, and I'm sure we're all very grateful!

Now, they make videos of their own ..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqGKnpdMijA

(blading)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXPmcy503nM&feature=channel (toby playing piano)

Busy

I've had a good week. Most pleasing is that I did plenty of exercise. I went to an aerobics class on Monday, a spinning class on Friday and a long walk up to Bagnall yesterday with Mark, Tracy and Luke. I tried hard to stick to my diet despite eating out a fair bit and seem to have lost a couple of pounds since Christmas.

I've seen a few other mates this week, including Woolfy, Mr K, Anne and Anna.

I also saw Kelvin and Mario at Sandra's funeral, which was hard. I am still reeling from the shock of Sandra's death, and then heard from another pal on line that his daughter's condition had deteriorated rapidly and she's died before Christmas, and another internet pal with advanced bowel cancer has had mets discovered in his brain. These are harsh realities of life with cancer and it is hard to absorb all of this and still keep my head in the sand about my own outlook .. really, not easy!

On a more mundane note, B has been proper poorly with a nasty virus this week. She took to her bed for hours on end every day. I hope she hasn't passed it on to me, as I feel a bit weedy now, but it is hard to say to what extent that is just how the chemo makes me feel anyway ? My mouth, nose and throat is generally a bit of a war zone, with raw skin and blood dripping every day, so it's possibly just that. And the low blood counts make me feel tired about now, too, I think.

I'm back inside on Tuesday, but there are visitors to look forward to, not least, B's brother will be here tomorrow and for a couple of nights. I've also got some pals from college coming in to see me, so I will be kept occupied, it seems.

We're also making progress with our holiday plans for the Summer. Dr Adab told me to go ahead and plan, so we are doing! Bad news and scarey prognosis pushed out of my mind and reliving the sun and cheery memories of Provence is pulled firmly forward.

brighter

Phew

Out of hospital and the ghastly medical smells all washed off. Replaced with the fragrance of lovely Molton Brown bath products (thanks to B's christmas gift from Huw and James !).

B collected me and we got out at about 7.45pm. last night. I'd hardly eaten anything cos I feel so sick and uninterested in food when I'm in there, but I was hungry, so we went to Frankie and Benny's. This was a good plan and it felt very normal and "nearly the weekend."

This morning I woke up very bright and breezey. I think last time I came out I felt quite rough, perhaps I was still a bit down with the impact of my chest infection and the anti-biotics, but today I feel OK. A bit sick, obviously, and probably not got much energy really, but we got up and did stretches together and I made us a nice breakfast.

I'm going to get some shopping soon, and hope the rain stops this afternoon so I can get out for a bit more fresh air, perhaps round the lake.

Reflective

I've been a bit reflective this week. Partly, I guess cos it is time to do some thinking, after the diagnosis that the cancer is back and the sudden whirl of treatments, and then Christmas comes buzzing in, and now it is a lull.

I think Sandra's death also filtered into this reflective process, as well. In addition I had a letter I got from a mate saying " Do you plan on working for as long as you can then? I could see me cashing in my critical illness cover and travelling off round the world for a year. "

Well, what do I want to do?

I've generally taken my lead from Dr Adab (live your life) and my own philosphy that happiness is garnered from living a normal life, but I start to wonder now if that made more sense when I could think that I was going to get better and could think of a relatively normal life-span and now we know the bugger is back and in general ppl do not "get better" from this, it is a matter of a shorter life span and a lot of treatment to secure even that.

One of my internet pals has started to plan his treatment more on the basis of what he wants in terms of quality of life, in discussion with the palliative care staff at his hospice. I don't think I'm at that stage yet, my two secondaries are only small and there is the hope that this chemo can blast them and then I can have some time with nothing, again ..

some time

No-one can tell me how much, that's not what I'm reflecting on .. but how to use my time now, just carry on the same/ think of going back to work? keep a normal routine going .. or think of branching out in different ways while I still have capacity to choose and undertake different options ....

What do you think?

btw I updated my Take Heart Blog today .. more reflections on mortality if you're minded to take a look.