The Surgeon Speaks

and she says: good news and bad news: good news: there are no secondaries in my lung or liver, which is a huge relief. Bad news: "it's big and it's ugly".

She's fixed for me to see another specialist today and he will decide if it is possible to reduce it with radiation and chemotherapy. Mrs Hall obviously favours this, but it depends the need to protect the rest of my abdomen from the effects of radiation. If Mr Adeb says "yay" there will be 5 weeks of treatment every day except the weekend. If he says "nay" Mrs Hall will operate Oct 9th.

Shaking. After this phone-call I had my most obvious emotional reaction so far. I was shaking and unable to concentrate at all. The fear of secondaries had been well suppressed, but came bursting out when she told us there are none. I've been able to draw on my yoga-training all week to help me focus on being "well" but last night I was like a fish on a hook - instinctively flapping from side to side, making contact with nothing.

I feel OK today though, and very optimistic that my yoga training will help me to deal with the side-effects of the treatment. Julie looks pale at the prospect of Mr Adeb's treatment, but I am not fretting about it till I see how it affects me; it seems to affect ppl in different ways,

Teaching. Mrs Hall repeated what she said last Monday, that I have to put my own health first this year, and not worry about the current students so that I can make sure I'll be here for future students. The first time she said it she said for ten more years teaching (which is about right). Last night she said 20 years! Arrrrgh..... surely NOT!

Anyway - hard though it is, I am taking on board the underlying meaning of this. I've got to dedicate my energy to fighting this big, ugly thing now in order to have any future at all, teaching or otherwise.

Prayers. Several people have said that I am in their prayers and B's family in Ireland all lit candles for me this Sunday. In previous years this would have seemed irrelevant to me, but over the past few months we have been consolidating a faith of our own (see the Self-realisation Yogananda link on the right). It has been a timely spiritual development and it is giving us enormous support now. I am grateful to all who say that they pray for me, and truly believe that it will help me.

Yesterday. Julie and I had a lovely day. We revisited some family landmarks in Tunstall and Burslem, and ooh'd and aahh'd at the Burleigh Pottery. Then we went to the Monkey Forest at Trentham, which was an excellent diversion. The animals are delightful and the walk itself gave me my exercise dose for the day.



xx