Christmas Day

AGAIN

these things come around, don't they? This time last year it wasn't at all sure that I'd get to this one, so it seems extra special to be celebrating now.

We had a lovely Christmas Eve mostly on our own, although John, the guy in our street who lost his wife to breast cancer earlier this year, came over for a cup of tea in the afternoon. Such a sad time of year, really for so many people it is a reminder of what they have lost as well as what they have.

I always think of my grandad Toft at this time of year, when they used to have parties at "253" on Boxing day. He was a party animal. His daughter (aunty Barbara) told me the other day that he used to like making cocktails, which I didn't realise as a kid, but I am keeping on that family tradition! B and I had lemon drops for our treat last night, and a picnic of soked salmon blinis and asparagus and ham wraps .. lovely jubbly.

Later today we are toddling to Manchester and the lovely James will wine and dine us in traditional style and that will be lovely with several other friends there. B and I are very lucky.

I hope you all have a great time at Christmas, and spend the year carrying out the message of love and peace that Jesus brought to the world.

With Love

xxxxx

new art

Woo - sorry I've not updated this for a while -- not been much to say, really! Now here is something groovy - we went to an Art Auction last night, had the most fun and bought some new art at verygood prices which are now my "Christmas present". Dunno how long the links will stay active, but these are the pieces we got from the cataglogue ...

this painting is very big, beautiful blue textures by Naomi Greaves.
http://www.airspacegallery.org/airtrade/pages/greaves.html

this is one of two little ceramic nightlight pots by Perry Walmsly Pitts:
http://www.airspacegallery.org/airtrade/pages/pitts1.html

A photo from David Stubbs:
http://www.airspacegallery.org/airtrade/pages/stubbs.html

and this I don't know quite what to call it display of angel wings by Charlie Pi!
http://www.airspacegallery.org/airtrade/pages/pi.html
(this doesn't photograph well, but is a lovely thing!)

then there was the one that got away - which I really wanted but it got toooooooo dear!
http://www.airspacegallery.org/airtrade/pages/grant.html

family and friends

Yes indeed I had a lovely time down in Dorset with the family, spent all day with mum and dad on Friday and the weekend mainly with the kids. Joe excelled himself at the County Gym Show by securing a bronze medal in his group for tumbling. Toby is specialising in music and I went to his piano lesson with him and his teacher says he is a "joy to teach". Unusually for me, I never took my camera out if its bag, so no images for these tales .. oops!

I was sorry to hear that two of the regular contributors to the blog have their own major health problems. I hope we can get together soon, Celia, just give us a call and I'll be right over. Big Hugs to "The Big Softy at College" too. (I bet she won't be off-line for long!)

I've been invited to a couple of work socials for Christmas. Does it seem odd to admit that I find the prospect really hard and have declined the invitations? It sort of feels like it's too hard to make small talk after the year I've had, and I CERTAINLY don't want to talk about that! I DO still like seeing colleagues, but as individuals rather than en masse.

People who were worried about my decision to start the ball rolling to get back to work can breath again, I still haven't seen the Occ Health, and I can't do anything official before that, so getting in there before Xmas seems quite unlikely!

social whirl

Crazeee -- this rehab is hard work!

I've had a very busy weekend meeting various internet friends in various guises this .. nine of us went out for a Turkish meal on Saturday, then more ppl joined us to make it 13 for Sunday Lunch .. (btw I can recommend the Carvery in The Victoria on the Square in Hanley, sadly no website yet!) Then on Monday a few of us met at Trentham and moochd about there for a bit and then a select few gathered here for the old-faithful cocktails and Chinese Supper ..

Very nice ..

Yesterday was an anniversarty for B and I - we've been a couple for FIFTEEN YEARS now .. so we celebrated that together by having a few cocktails and a lovely meal at Blanc Brasserie in Manchester --- we went on the train! haha .. It worked in well cos B had a meeting in Manchester, and I joined her there in the afternoon ..

and now I'm whizzing off to Dorset ..

Phew

Work

I went into college for an hour yesterday and met one of the supply teachers who has had to pick up an AS language class. Felt good how the old brain kicks back in to remembering some of this stuff .. so thatI can support her , tho my short term memory still feels / is very shakey.

I am surprised how stressed I get when I have to do anything outside the littel routines I've been doing for the past 15 months .. so this is what rehab is all about .. gradually getting used to day to day stresses!

rehab

phew - this doing things is really tiring .. I saw my nana on Tues for her 93rd birthday. It was a substantial drive for me, on the motorway and I was glad to stop over in Coventry with my brother and family rather than do the drive back all in one day.

Had a nice time with them, and got hooked on Luke's Play Station FIFA game... haha! never played anything like that before .. I don't really NEED more time-wasting gadgets in my life, but I think B would enjoy the football one too!

I went to Sheffield Uni yesterday, also a long drive, but not so stressful cos the weather was lovely and scenery on that "over the Peaks" route via Monyash, and Bakewell is really stunning and made me very happy. While I was there I learnt about UCAS applications for English courses, and I think this is the first totally work-based thing I've done in ages. Enjoyed it.

I am very tired though. I guess it's a bit frustrating now, where I feel quite a lot better but I'm not really better!

Mrs Hall

We went to see my surgeon on Saturday to discuss the reversal. She was quite re-assuring about it, but agreed that I need to pencil in at least 12 weeks post-op for getting total control over my body again .. I think it is worth it now.

I don't know yet when she will do the operation, it will be end of Jan or Feb sometime - she has to look at her other commitments and work out her holidays as well!

express train

whhooooo
that feels a bit fast suddenly .. went to see "boss" yesterday .. and she was lovely and we discussed what I might be able to do by way of getting my feet back under the table. It won't be much, esp bearing in mind I could well be having more surgery after Christmas ...

Anyrate b4 you even CAN go back to work you have to get the all clear from your GP, so I popped in to make an appointment, and there was one for that very afternoon .. so I've seen my GP and she thinks doing a bit will be very good for me.

So now I've got to see Occupational Health..

Then I found a letter from my surgeon asking to see me on Saturday .. so it's all coming together a bit "fast" now .. and I was awake very early today thinking about it all. Yoiu hear some real horror stories about reversals .. but then, do ppl having an OK time of it write it up on the internet?

Exertion

I have been up-dating my fitness blog quite regularly. I have had a decent week with quite a bit of walking, a 10 mile cycle and a reasonable food intake (albeit supplemented with a WRIGHTS PIE at the football on Sat!!)

That was the first sports event I've been to in over a year. They could have made more effort to mark the event, it was a dismal display from Stoke and if they don't buck up we wont be rushing back. The rest of the population must be feeling the same cos the gate was only 13,000 - the lowest I've ever heard in there ...

I'm going to the gym now, well for a fitness assement, one step at a time! Then I am going into work to meet the principal tomorrow morning. Trying to rebuild and establish some of my old life again.

cancer in the news 2

I did post quite a rant here about the latest "news" about thing that can pre-dispose you to cancer ... in the end I decided not to post it, but I was mad ... really ... GRRR

cancer in the news

Dina Rabinovitch died this week of breast cancer, aged 44. She was a Guardian journalist who blogged her experiences and wrote in the columns of the paper. There were some extracts in the paper yesterday. It made sad reading ... especially the bit about how her son has stopped asking her if her cancer will get better. How hard that is for mothers to be dying with young children?

In one of the entries she admits to feeling jealous of mums at the school gate who don't have cancer. It's not a proud thing to admit to, and I must say, I know what she means. I have felt that too, at times. You hate yourself for thinking it, but it creeps up on you.

I wonder now about Ann, the woman at hospital whom I made friends with, whose bowel cancer spread already. Sho has had to have chemo for a very long time. If I went to see her now, would she welcome me, or would it be hard to bear?

scottish photos

Walking and cycling in Scotland ...

ppl who know me - know that I love to do this

I have to say that a year ago, I really, really, really could not believe that I would be taking part in the glories of scotland, ever again ....

and yet,

here I am, besides myself, really,

with joy and delight

rapture, even

to be there

to be stronger than I thought I could ever be again

to be walking, cycling .. let's face it,

breathing !

total delight

total rapture

Thank-you,

God

Amen

xxxxx

Holiday Diary

Tuesday
Too tired to be very physical today. B went out on her bike and I did artist’s date .. spent a while on the internet and then did photography around the loch here and went off to explore in Spean Bridge. Ppl talk to you a lot when you are on your own!

Went to pick up B from the end of her ride (50 miles up the hilly side of Loch Ness!) It was very sunny by mid-afternoon and we sat on the loch side here watching the sun go down behind the facing hillside…lovely

Wednesday
Really exciting day – we got the train from Spean Bridge out to Corrour, the highest train station in the UK. There are no roads up there, it was built to serve the estate and in a way it still does, only three trains a day in either direction! We walked for about 90 minutes around Loch Ossian. It felt so wild and remote and was something I’ve wanted to do since I read about it one of our walk books. In fact the actual walking was far easier than what we did on Tuesday.. the terrain is estate track and basically flat around the loch! The train ride was magical in both directions.

Was sunny down here, but grey up there, tho it eventually cleared and the views opened up. Back in time for another sit on the Loch Lochy lochside to watch the sun go down.

Thursday
Really lovely day – bright blue sky and sun from first thing till about 3 pm. Cycled along the Caledonian Canal from the Bridge of Ochy to Fort Augustus. Ten MILES! B running, of course, and me on the bike. Again it felt pretty easy. My legs are strong, but the cardio vascular side is less fit, just a small burst of speed will get my chest burning!
Had a big steak for tea….yummy!

Friday
B off early on her own for a couple of hours on the bike – it was raining, quite heavily and I was tired!

When she got back I spent part of the morning reading outloud from the Kate Atkinson book. Then we did a drive out up Glen Roy which is a lovely single track road with great views. Bumped into someone from B’s work at Spean Bridge!

Saturday
Set off at about 9.30 am on, it is 370 miles, a little over 7 hours actual motoring and a bit added for pit-stops meant we got back about 5pm. Colder in this house than it was in the lodge!

Bonny Scotland

This lodge is really marvellous - all glass on three sides so you can see the forest all around, the most amazing variety of tress in various shades of green and autumn, it is very beautiful ... there is also a waterfall in the grounds and a beach on the loch that offers fine views of hills in all directions .. so there should be plenty to look at through the lens when I venture outside later!

On Monday I got back on my bike for the first time since my operation. It felt brilliant, especially here in the great glen .. we drove downfour miles to the Caledonian Canal and pedalled in the direction of Fort William. Well I peddled, B was running! We were out for a little over an hour and it was magical, really just so great for me. And pretty easy. My muscles in my legs are still pretty strong, even if my energy levels are low and I didn't push myself in a heart and lungs type of way!

Yesteraday we drove out ot Kinlochleven where there is a lovely climb up, opposite the Pap of Glen Coe. It's part of the Highland Way and I wanted to do it cos it is a bit of serious uphill with no nasty exposed bits! I got more hot and bothered doing that than I did on the bike, but again it felt marvellous to be out in this beautiful place, with so much to delight your senses and using my body in a bit of a push.

I was dog tired last night, and pretty weary today so B has gone off on her bike and I am taking it a bit easier. One step at a time, eh?

I will go for an amble round the 12 acres of woodland that this place puts at our disposal in a little while. Bliss, really and very emotional for me, cos in my dark days I really never thought I'd be here again. All through my illness I have used memories of Scotland as part of my repertoire of mental "tricks" to keep me calm and rested in hard times ... it is just so special to be here and re-charge those images and sensations which have served me so well this past year.

life in remission

I found a good article on tinternet about this .. if you are VERY interested .. here is the link:
http://www.cctrust.org.uk/article3.htm

If you're too busy to read that, here's part one of the digested read, made personal to me:

Dr Peter Harvey wrote it, he's Consultant Clinical Psychologist at Leeds Teaching Hospital.

He says now the treatment has finished I can begin, bit-by-bit, to deal with all that I have been through and all that is to come. I have had over a year of treatment by radiation knife, chemicals. Now is the time to heal, both body and mind.

He splits the process into three stages: recuperation, convalescence and rehabilitation.

RECUPERATION. One of the paradoxes of cancer is that the treatments made me feel worse, not better! I have been subjected to dangerous rays, had a 12" cut in my abdomen, been disfigured with a stoma, regularly injected with poisonous chemicals, all in the name of treatment.

The aggressiveness and power of the treatments is a reaction to the power of the disease and they placed enormous physical strains on my body. The treatments are harsh and draining. Added to this are the emotional angles - dealing with the implications of my diagnosis (initially I was told it was INOPERABLE!! .... then the fear and emotional stress.)

He reckons that however smoothly treatment went I now need time simply to recharge and recover - to recuperate . This is the necessary foundation on which to build recovery.

CONVALESCENCE
Once I have recharged my batteries, then I can begin to build up my physical and emotional strength. There are no set rules or guidelines for how long this can take, but HE firmly believe that to miss out this stage builds up problems later on.

I'll do REHAB in a later post!

well the mothballs were short lived

haha

so much for mothballs

several regulars have passed the opinion that is it not a good idea to mothball my blog ..
so ..... you're not obliged to keep reading it, but I am going to keep writing.

In fact there is a school of thought that living with remission in more psychologically taxing than getting the first diagnosis ..

cos now you know a lot more about it the whole thing and
you know remission doesn't mean cure,
and you know you heard your oncologist's statistics
and you know ppl whose bowel cancer came back after three years
and you don't know what to do about "reversal" of the ileostomy
and you've "lost" your regular contact with the medics


and you're not well enough to do much else that you used to do
and "normal" is still a long way off
and you still need the care and attention of your family and friends

so I'm gonna carry on blogging ...

I am delighted to have a clear scan, but B and I are very much seeing it as a "treatment break" and planning to use the same calm sense of balance that kept us level during the last year to see us through the next one.

Time, Gentlemen Purleez

That's it, drink up and move on,

this site is now officially IN:















I am officially IN REMISSION.

My scans are clear and there is currently no cancer active in my body and my oncologist has made an appointment to see me again for a scan in April.

Tra lalalala

thanks for everything !

xxxxx

clock watching

aye Julie - clock watching, well today at any rate.

Yesterday was lovely .. the sun was shining and we went out towards Tittesworth but then decided to ring the changes and go UP and walk along the Roaches instead. Good decision, very fresh and bright with lovely views out all around. Pity I had no camera with me, and even more outrageous: my STEPPER STOPPED. So all that yomping and no mechanical evidence for my fitness blog!

Good news - the tea rooms up there have re-opened. "Under new management" but nothing else has changed and we sat munching our hearty food and looking out onto hovering kestrels and a gallumping hare. B has recently seen a huge bird of prey up there, and the manageress says it's a peregrine falcon which perches on her wall sometimes.

It's enough, this sort of thing .. there is no more wonderful thing in life than to be able to be outside with your bestest mate and seeing the natural beauty in our own back-yard. One of the other women in there was saying to some ppl from Essex, "Oh I take it for granted,living here..." and B and I looked at each other and I know we both thought "Well, we dont ... " cos we never have, we always blather on about how great it is here, and get great pleasure from the area we live in.

Meanwhile, I ate loads ... on the CT scan appointment it says "Eat and drink normally" so I felt sort of obliged!

The scan thing was running pretty much on time and the RMO found a vein for the drip-thing really easily so that was all fine. We also bumped into Ann, the fellow-patient whom I talk to quite often in the Nuffield. Ann's bowel cancer started years ago. She has had various liver and lung surgery since, and is on "maintenance" chemo now. She is a very nice person and interesting cos she is my main source of knowledge about how this cancer can spread and take over your life .. but also my point of reference for how one can live with cancer, as she does.

I hope I don't have to go through what she does, but I also think she is inspiring as to how it IS possible to "live your life" with it.

I'm not sure what we'll do today .. it is pretty grey and rainy. I don't take this as an omen but I do think hill-walking is not on today's agenda. B is out running just now, and when she comes back we will decide. I might need a bit more retail therapy!

My appt this afternoon is at four, tho funnily Ann said she was expecting to see him about 4 pm too, and I doubt he is going to do a joint session! I'll update this as soon as I can after we get to see him.

It will be so great if today's update can be the end of this particular chapter and that this here blog can be put into mothballs for a while, indeed, mothballs for ever would be good ...

I think it's served its purpose well and I really do feel the kindness of everyone who reads it, especially the ppl who comment, cos comments keep me cheerful ... tho I know plenty of others read without ever mastering the comments thing, and that is fine too!

fingers crossed, then, folks, and thanks for all the texts and oteh messages of kind thoughts that we will take with us to Dr Adab today
xxxxx

distraction ....

.... is the name of the game this week. My friends have been keeping me engaged and I am mostly OK. B will be with me tomorrow, for the scan. We then see Dr Adab on Friday. I'm glad she's got the time to be with me.

I'll either post myself or get one of my family to post a comment on here when I've seen the doctor and have the latest news.

My guess is that we wont be answering the phone for a few days, whatever the outcome we need to just be together and take stock. We're going to Wales for a bit.

cheers fols and thanks for all the support
xxxxx

CarMan

Matthew Bourne rocks.

I went out last night to the theatre, the first time all year I've been to a show of any kind. I was determined to go cos CarMan is a show I've seen before and absolutely LOVED and wanted to see again, especially since it was on locally.

I think part of the reason I've not been anywhere else, either sport or theatre that I'd usually do is the fear of picking up bugs in a big crowd, or not wanting to sit still for that long, really .. but it was sooo worth the risk.

CarMan is a superb show, highly entertaining. That must be about the fourth version of Carmen I've seen now ... cos I've seen it "straight" and in a "film within a film" version and also On Ice! This dance thing blows me away ... really maximises the drama of the music ...