The weather forecast is grim, even in France it is the same as here - I hope it DOESN'T acutally snow on our gite!
Meanwhile, here is a cheery pic of my n B, in Jean's house, with the Easter Chicks she gave us (which are obviously already eaten!)
Friday, March 21, 2008
Easter
One of the silver linings about being ill and going part time is that I dont have to dedicate my weeknds and "holidays" to endless marking anymore, which was always such a stress at Easter when coursework has to be finalised .. my heart goes out to colleagues busy on that this week ..
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Resigned
Another land-mark. I have officially resigned as Head of English at college and expressed the desire to work only part time next year. I am pleased about it, and know this is the right decision for me, but just occasionally I get a huge side-swipe of emotion that just makes me cry about it. I've hardly cried about anything to do with ME this year (other ppl's stories and TV drama have been safer vents for my weepy moments) but stuff to do with work ALWAYS sets me off.
I dunno - I don't see myself as "career-mad". I think I only applied for the job in the first place as a way of avoiding being bosssed about by a muppet! Since that rather reluctant start I like to think that I did a good job of managing the team and supporting all those students over the years. I will miss that side of it.
It's not as if I'm losing my job altogether, I can still do good lessons and make resources ... so why does it feel so sad? (thanks to Ann H for "being there" for me on Monday!)
Cancer eats away at your life, inside and out. It has unexpected repercussions and implications.
Some people might wonder why I am making that change anyway. There are two other women at work who have had cancer and kept their HoD jobs going, so why can't I?
I think it is mainly about the prognosis issue. Having a good prognosis would (maybe) feel different, but having a grim prognosis encourages me to make choices. That, and actually: just the luxury of a debt-free existance and a supportive partner means I CAN make this choice. Really it is a privilege to be able to change tempo in your life. Four other ppl in the English Dept have done this over the past ten years without being "ill" to prompt them into it. I no longer want to give 70 hours a week to a job and I am am happy, really, to make the change ..
I dunno - I don't see myself as "career-mad". I think I only applied for the job in the first place as a way of avoiding being bosssed about by a muppet! Since that rather reluctant start I like to think that I did a good job of managing the team and supporting all those students over the years. I will miss that side of it.
It's not as if I'm losing my job altogether, I can still do good lessons and make resources ... so why does it feel so sad? (thanks to Ann H for "being there" for me on Monday!)
Cancer eats away at your life, inside and out. It has unexpected repercussions and implications.
Some people might wonder why I am making that change anyway. There are two other women at work who have had cancer and kept their HoD jobs going, so why can't I?
I think it is mainly about the prognosis issue. Having a good prognosis would (maybe) feel different, but having a grim prognosis encourages me to make choices. That, and actually: just the luxury of a debt-free existance and a supportive partner means I CAN make this choice. Really it is a privilege to be able to change tempo in your life. Four other ppl in the English Dept have done this over the past ten years without being "ill" to prompt them into it. I no longer want to give 70 hours a week to a job and I am am happy, really, to make the change ..
Saturday, March 01, 2008
79
well here is a thing to share with you ....
Today I sort of had this imaginary flight of fancy in my head (can't recall what set it off) and I was imagining living for another 30 years and being 79 .. and somehow I realised that is the first time I've imagined myself seriously further ahead than a few months since this caper started
It feels like a momentous thing, somehow, to get back that sense of a future, however short-live that feeling is.
It also made me realise that for a very long time I have been totally resigned to the idea that my life-expectancy is short ... and how hard it is to think outside that idea (mainly cos my oncologist told me there's a 66% chance of it coming back this year!) hard to imagine being the 1 in 3 who gets a reprieve ... somehow ..
maybe I've been being too pragmatic in having that short-life idea in the back of my mind all the time... anyway, today's little spark of imagining a future was rather special ...
I mean I dont sit around imagining myself DEAD, or even being upset about that .. I'm pretty blase about that in fact, just a wimp at the idea of more pain and more pain and more pain that you have to go through with cancer before you get to the "peaceful oblivion" thing ....
"thinking positive" and live your life" mantras are more than just words, but I can't bring myself to be pollyanna and oblivious to the reality ... except that is might NOT be the reality .. the bus I sense hurtling towards me might suddenly slam the brakes on ...
and I might live to be 79
Today I sort of had this imaginary flight of fancy in my head (can't recall what set it off) and I was imagining living for another 30 years and being 79 .. and somehow I realised that is the first time I've imagined myself seriously further ahead than a few months since this caper started
It feels like a momentous thing, somehow, to get back that sense of a future, however short-live that feeling is.
It also made me realise that for a very long time I have been totally resigned to the idea that my life-expectancy is short ... and how hard it is to think outside that idea (mainly cos my oncologist told me there's a 66% chance of it coming back this year!) hard to imagine being the 1 in 3 who gets a reprieve ... somehow ..
maybe I've been being too pragmatic in having that short-life idea in the back of my mind all the time... anyway, today's little spark of imagining a future was rather special ...
I mean I dont sit around imagining myself DEAD, or even being upset about that .. I'm pretty blase about that in fact, just a wimp at the idea of more pain and more pain and more pain that you have to go through with cancer before you get to the "peaceful oblivion" thing ....
"thinking positive" and live your life" mantras are more than just words, but I can't bring myself to be pollyanna and oblivious to the reality ... except that is might NOT be the reality .. the bus I sense hurtling towards me might suddenly slam the brakes on ...
and I might live to be 79
Saturday, February 23, 2008
hidden costs of cancer
Bleugh, Friday turned out to be a pretty irritable day, due to my efforts to get myself insurance for our next holiday to France. My recent multiple stays in hospital mean that most companies wont cover me for anything medical, never mind anything to do with cancer.
Of course I don't really need cover for "cancer" - in summer 2006 I cycled round France with a tumour the size of a loaf inside me, so even if there is a microscopic new one growing, it won't be enough to cause me any problems ... per se ..
BUT my stoma is a worry. Friends of mine have recently had some scarey blockage and dehydration experiences and I dont fancy getting caught out by something like that and not having some cover.
Any rate it was pretty hellish having to answer more or less the exact same detailed medical questions for the privilege of being told to "sod off" at the end of it .. a particularly stupid bit came when one guy asked me if I'd had any blood out of my arse recently .. well NO I haven't ... cos my arse doesn't work, does it? I told you I've got a stoma .. hey ho.. I supose if there was a tumour there it could be bleeding, and it cold comeout of there ..
.. in general, though, it seems that they just dont really engage with what they are asking you about, just following the prompts on the screen, and it is not a good way to spend a whole morning.
Anyrate, I have found one who'll do it, not cheap, but it will give me peace of mind.
Of course I don't really need cover for "cancer" - in summer 2006 I cycled round France with a tumour the size of a loaf inside me, so even if there is a microscopic new one growing, it won't be enough to cause me any problems ... per se ..
BUT my stoma is a worry. Friends of mine have recently had some scarey blockage and dehydration experiences and I dont fancy getting caught out by something like that and not having some cover.
Any rate it was pretty hellish having to answer more or less the exact same detailed medical questions for the privilege of being told to "sod off" at the end of it .. a particularly stupid bit came when one guy asked me if I'd had any blood out of my arse recently .. well NO I haven't ... cos my arse doesn't work, does it? I told you I've got a stoma .. hey ho.. I supose if there was a tumour there it could be bleeding, and it cold comeout of there ..
.. in general, though, it seems that they just dont really engage with what they are asking you about, just following the prompts on the screen, and it is not a good way to spend a whole morning.
Anyrate, I have found one who'll do it, not cheap, but it will give me peace of mind.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
1/2 term
Edited to add the pics - two mad women and a flavour of the decor in the room we had ....
Well after a WHOLE five weeks back at (sort of) work I get the feeling of a proper holiday, as a break from work. And didn't we do well? The weather this past week has been amazing, and we sat at the top of the Great Orme (which I had miraculously scaled under my own steam this time) and literally basked in the sunshine and still air. We had marvellous clear views out over the coast all round and further into the mountains beyond.. lovely
See, life is full of these moments when you just think it doesn't get any better than this.
We started to try and book again for B's birthday, the bank holiday in May, but is turns out Llnadudno has a "Victorian Extravaganza" time that very weekend, which might be a case of things not getting much worse than that, heaving with funfairs and massive crowds, so we are looking around for a Plan B ... !
It is sunny again today, tho bitterly cold, and we will be off on our bikes in the Peaks ...
... with the new camera we just bought, but that I've not really got my head around using yet.
It is a fuji finepix with lots of optical zoom (x18) so good for nature shots, I think .. I'm slowly working my way through the manual, which is surprisingly well written, but still too much to take in at a time.
Sorry I've been a bit poor at updating this lately .. but a steady string of things are OK would be boring, eh!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
New Years Eve photos
Some recent photos of us with the lovelyLili and Bouclette.
I am even smiley-er now cos the hotel we stayed in at Leeds for this rendezvous was less than immaculate on the cleaning front, so I (politely) filled in their customer satisfaction thingy, and the manager has just written to offer us a return visit at their expense to "restore your faith in xyz hotels"
Nice!! cos we DID like the central location and the space in the room itself, so I will take them up on it sometime (got 6 months for their offer as well)
Nous sommes tres jolies, n'est ce pas?
I am even smiley-er now cos the hotel we stayed in at Leeds for this rendezvous was less than immaculate on the cleaning front, so I (politely) filled in their customer satisfaction thingy, and the manager has just written to offer us a return visit at their expense to "restore your faith in xyz hotels"
Nice!! cos we DID like the central location and the space in the room itself, so I will take them up on it sometime (got 6 months for their offer as well)
Nous sommes tres jolies, n'est ce pas?
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Planning?
Hi - I have recently made a few baby steps to try out being at work, and it has been great fun, just doing some one to one work with final year students on their coursework.
NOW my reversal op has been put on hold, cos my surgeon can no longer do it at the end of this month, and then she is on hols for most of February.
Thinking about that I decided to say I'd prefer to wait till after Easter, cos that is so early in March, then we can have a holiday somewhere nice, NOT blighted by the possibility of post-op trauma ... and then maybe take the time to see what my next scan shows in April, maybe?
It is so hard to know what to do.
To some extent, fear of the cancer coming back makes me want to delay the surgery anyway, cos if these are a few precious months of not being in cancer treatment then maybe it is better to not be post-op in them ... and just not bother with the reversal ... in favour of "quality of life" time with B and gently doing a few hours of work.
Then other ppl say "Oh just get on with it and get back to normal" and then I think, what is normal when you have a high risk of return cancer in the back of your mind every day ?
NOW my reversal op has been put on hold, cos my surgeon can no longer do it at the end of this month, and then she is on hols for most of February.
Thinking about that I decided to say I'd prefer to wait till after Easter, cos that is so early in March, then we can have a holiday somewhere nice, NOT blighted by the possibility of post-op trauma ... and then maybe take the time to see what my next scan shows in April, maybe?
It is so hard to know what to do.
To some extent, fear of the cancer coming back makes me want to delay the surgery anyway, cos if these are a few precious months of not being in cancer treatment then maybe it is better to not be post-op in them ... and just not bother with the reversal ... in favour of "quality of life" time with B and gently doing a few hours of work.
Some ppl say "You have to do what you want" and I dont even know what I want.
Then other ppl say "Oh just get on with it and get back to normal" and then I think, what is normal when you have a high risk of return cancer in the back of your mind every day ?
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
New Year's Resolution?
I don't care much for resolutions, but I will continue to try to live with pride and dignity this year. I'm also resolved to learn a bit more about using Photoshop and working on this picture added a couple of new techniques to my repertoire.
It is now nearly a year since my big operation, and 15 months since I last went to work. I've had 20 in-patient hospital visits over the past year, sto say nothing of the clincs, bloodtests and scans, so I DO hope that 2008 will bring less of that and more of the normal stuff.
I owe a massive thank-you to all my family and friends who have been so strong and supportive in 2007. It is much appreciated. I must thank Brigid most of all, I couldn't ask for more.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Christmas Day
AGAIN
these things come around, don't they? This time last year it wasn't at all sure that I'd get to this one, so it seems extra special to be celebrating now.
We had a lovely Christmas Eve mostly on our own, although John, the guy in our street who lost his wife to breast cancer earlier this year, came over for a cup of tea in the afternoon. Such a sad time of year, really for so many people it is a reminder of what they have lost as well as what they have.
I always think of my grandad Toft at this time of year, when they used to have parties at "253" on Boxing day. He was a party animal. His daughter (aunty Barbara) told me the other day that he used to like making cocktails, which I didn't realise as a kid, but I am keeping on that family tradition! B and I had lemon drops for our treat last night, and a picnic of soked salmon blinis and asparagus and ham wraps .. lovely jubbly.
Later today we are toddling to Manchester and the lovely James will wine and dine us in traditional style and that will be lovely with several other friends there. B and I are very lucky.
I hope you all have a great time at Christmas, and spend the year carrying out the message of love and peace that Jesus brought to the world.
With Love
xxxxx
these things come around, don't they? This time last year it wasn't at all sure that I'd get to this one, so it seems extra special to be celebrating now.
We had a lovely Christmas Eve mostly on our own, although John, the guy in our street who lost his wife to breast cancer earlier this year, came over for a cup of tea in the afternoon. Such a sad time of year, really for so many people it is a reminder of what they have lost as well as what they have.
I always think of my grandad Toft at this time of year, when they used to have parties at "253" on Boxing day. He was a party animal. His daughter (aunty Barbara) told me the other day that he used to like making cocktails, which I didn't realise as a kid, but I am keeping on that family tradition! B and I had lemon drops for our treat last night, and a picnic of soked salmon blinis and asparagus and ham wraps .. lovely jubbly.
Later today we are toddling to Manchester and the lovely James will wine and dine us in traditional style and that will be lovely with several other friends there. B and I are very lucky.
I hope you all have a great time at Christmas, and spend the year carrying out the message of love and peace that Jesus brought to the world.
With Love
xxxxx
Saturday, December 15, 2007
new art
Woo - sorry I've not updated this for a while -- not been much to say, really! Now here is something groovy - we went to an Art Auction last night, had the most fun and bought some new art at verygood prices which are now my "Christmas present". Dunno how long the links will stay active, but these are the pieces we got from the cataglogue ...
this painting is very big, beautiful blue textures by Naomi Greaves.
http://www.airspacegallery.org/airtrade/pages/greaves.html
this is one of two little ceramic nightlight pots by Perry Walmsly Pitts:
http://www.airspacegallery.org/airtrade/pages/pitts1.html
A photo from David Stubbs:
http://www.airspacegallery.org/airtrade/pages/stubbs.html
and this I don't know quite what to call it display of angel wings by Charlie Pi!
http://www.airspacegallery.org/airtrade/pages/pi.html
(this doesn't photograph well, but is a lovely thing!)
then there was the one that got away - which I really wanted but it got toooooooo dear!
http://www.airspacegallery.org/airtrade/pages/grant.html
this painting is very big, beautiful blue textures by Naomi Greaves.
http://www.airspacegallery.org/airtrade/pages/greaves.html
this is one of two little ceramic nightlight pots by Perry Walmsly Pitts:
http://www.airspacegallery.org/airtrade/pages/pitts1.html
A photo from David Stubbs:
http://www.airspacegallery.org/airtrade/pages/stubbs.html
and this I don't know quite what to call it display of angel wings by Charlie Pi!
http://www.airspacegallery.org/airtrade/pages/pi.html
(this doesn't photograph well, but is a lovely thing!)
then there was the one that got away - which I really wanted but it got toooooooo dear!
http://www.airspacegallery.org/airtrade/pages/grant.html
Thursday, December 06, 2007
family and friends
Yes indeed I had a lovely time down in Dorset with the family, spent all day with mum and dad on Friday and the weekend mainly with the kids. Joe excelled himself at the County Gym Show by securing a bronze medal in his group for tumbling. Toby is specialising in music and I went to his piano lesson with him and his teacher says he is a "joy to teach". Unusually for me, I never took my camera out if its bag, so no images for these tales .. oops!
I was sorry to hear that two of the regular contributors to the blog have their own major health problems. I hope we can get together soon, Celia, just give us a call and I'll be right over. Big Hugs to "The Big Softy at College" too. (I bet she won't be off-line for long!)
I've been invited to a couple of work socials for Christmas. Does it seem odd to admit that I find the prospect really hard and have declined the invitations? It sort of feels like it's too hard to make small talk after the year I've had, and I CERTAINLY don't want to talk about that! I DO still like seeing colleagues, but as individuals rather than en masse.
People who were worried about my decision to start the ball rolling to get back to work can breath again, I still haven't seen the Occ Health, and I can't do anything official before that, so getting in there before Xmas seems quite unlikely!
I was sorry to hear that two of the regular contributors to the blog have their own major health problems. I hope we can get together soon, Celia, just give us a call and I'll be right over. Big Hugs to "The Big Softy at College" too. (I bet she won't be off-line for long!)
I've been invited to a couple of work socials for Christmas. Does it seem odd to admit that I find the prospect really hard and have declined the invitations? It sort of feels like it's too hard to make small talk after the year I've had, and I CERTAINLY don't want to talk about that! I DO still like seeing colleagues, but as individuals rather than en masse.
People who were worried about my decision to start the ball rolling to get back to work can breath again, I still haven't seen the Occ Health, and I can't do anything official before that, so getting in there before Xmas seems quite unlikely!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
social whirl
Crazeee -- this rehab is hard work!
I've had a very busy weekend meeting various internet friends in various guises this .. nine of us went out for a Turkish meal on Saturday, then more ppl joined us to make it 13 for Sunday Lunch .. (btw I can recommend the Carvery in The Victoria on the Square in Hanley, sadly no website yet!) Then on Monday a few of us met at Trentham and moochd about there for a bit and then a select few gathered here for the old-faithful cocktails and Chinese Supper ..
Very nice ..
Yesterday was an anniversarty for B and I - we've been a couple for FIFTEEN YEARS now .. so we celebrated that together by having a few cocktails and a lovely meal at Blanc Brasserie in Manchester --- we went on the train! haha .. It worked in well cos B had a meeting in Manchester, and I joined her there in the afternoon ..
and now I'm whizzing off to Dorset ..
Phew
I've had a very busy weekend meeting various internet friends in various guises this .. nine of us went out for a Turkish meal on Saturday, then more ppl joined us to make it 13 for Sunday Lunch .. (btw I can recommend the Carvery in The Victoria on the Square in Hanley, sadly no website yet!) Then on Monday a few of us met at Trentham and moochd about there for a bit and then a select few gathered here for the old-faithful cocktails and Chinese Supper ..
Very nice ..
Yesterday was an anniversarty for B and I - we've been a couple for FIFTEEN YEARS now .. so we celebrated that together by having a few cocktails and a lovely meal at Blanc Brasserie in Manchester --- we went on the train! haha .. It worked in well cos B had a meeting in Manchester, and I joined her there in the afternoon ..
and now I'm whizzing off to Dorset ..
Phew
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Work
I went into college for an hour yesterday and met one of the supply teachers who has had to pick up an AS language class. Felt good how the old brain kicks back in to remembering some of this stuff .. so thatI can support her , tho my short term memory still feels / is very shakey.
I am surprised how stressed I get when I have to do anything outside the littel routines I've been doing for the past 15 months .. so this is what rehab is all about .. gradually getting used to day to day stresses!
I am surprised how stressed I get when I have to do anything outside the littel routines I've been doing for the past 15 months .. so this is what rehab is all about .. gradually getting used to day to day stresses!
Friday, November 16, 2007
rehab
phew - this doing things is really tiring .. I saw my nana on Tues for her 93rd birthday. It was a substantial drive for me, on the motorway and I was glad to stop over in Coventry with my brother and family rather than do the drive back all in one day.
Had a nice time with them, and got hooked on Luke's Play Station FIFA game... haha! never played anything like that before .. I don't really NEED more time-wasting gadgets in my life, but I think B would enjoy the football one too!
I went to Sheffield Uni yesterday, also a long drive, but not so stressful cos the weather was lovely and scenery on that "over the Peaks" route via Monyash, and Bakewell is really stunning and made me very happy. While I was there I learnt about UCAS applications for English courses, and I think this is the first totally work-based thing I've done in ages. Enjoyed it.
I am very tired though. I guess it's a bit frustrating now, where I feel quite a lot better but I'm not really better!
Had a nice time with them, and got hooked on Luke's Play Station FIFA game... haha! never played anything like that before .. I don't really NEED more time-wasting gadgets in my life, but I think B would enjoy the football one too!
I went to Sheffield Uni yesterday, also a long drive, but not so stressful cos the weather was lovely and scenery on that "over the Peaks" route via Monyash, and Bakewell is really stunning and made me very happy. While I was there I learnt about UCAS applications for English courses, and I think this is the first totally work-based thing I've done in ages. Enjoyed it.
I am very tired though. I guess it's a bit frustrating now, where I feel quite a lot better but I'm not really better!
Monday, November 12, 2007
Mrs Hall
We went to see my surgeon on Saturday to discuss the reversal. She was quite re-assuring about it, but agreed that I need to pencil in at least 12 weeks post-op for getting total control over my body again .. I think it is worth it now.
I don't know yet when she will do the operation, it will be end of Jan or Feb sometime - she has to look at her other commitments and work out her holidays as well!
I don't know yet when she will do the operation, it will be end of Jan or Feb sometime - she has to look at her other commitments and work out her holidays as well!
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
express train
whhooooo
that feels a bit fast suddenly .. went to see "boss" yesterday .. and she was lovely and we discussed what I might be able to do by way of getting my feet back under the table. It won't be much, esp bearing in mind I could well be having more surgery after Christmas ...
Anyrate b4 you even CAN go back to work you have to get the all clear from your GP, so I popped in to make an appointment, and there was one for that very afternoon .. so I've seen my GP and she thinks doing a bit will be very good for me.
So now I've got to see Occupational Health..
Then I found a letter from my surgeon asking to see me on Saturday .. so it's all coming together a bit "fast" now .. and I was awake very early today thinking about it all. Yoiu hear some real horror stories about reversals .. but then, do ppl having an OK time of it write it up on the internet?
that feels a bit fast suddenly .. went to see "boss" yesterday .. and she was lovely and we discussed what I might be able to do by way of getting my feet back under the table. It won't be much, esp bearing in mind I could well be having more surgery after Christmas ...
Anyrate b4 you even CAN go back to work you have to get the all clear from your GP, so I popped in to make an appointment, and there was one for that very afternoon .. so I've seen my GP and she thinks doing a bit will be very good for me.
So now I've got to see Occupational Health..
Then I found a letter from my surgeon asking to see me on Saturday .. so it's all coming together a bit "fast" now .. and I was awake very early today thinking about it all. Yoiu hear some real horror stories about reversals .. but then, do ppl having an OK time of it write it up on the internet?
Monday, November 05, 2007
Exertion
I have been up-dating my fitness blog quite regularly. I have had a decent week with quite a bit of walking, a 10 mile cycle and a reasonable food intake (albeit supplemented with a WRIGHTS PIE at the football on Sat!!)
That was the first sports event I've been to in over a year. They could have made more effort to mark the event, it was a dismal display from Stoke and if they don't buck up we wont be rushing back. The rest of the population must be feeling the same cos the gate was only 13,000 - the lowest I've ever heard in there ...
I'm going to the gym now, well for a fitness assement, one step at a time! Then I am going into work to meet the principal tomorrow morning. Trying to rebuild and establish some of my old life again.
That was the first sports event I've been to in over a year. They could have made more effort to mark the event, it was a dismal display from Stoke and if they don't buck up we wont be rushing back. The rest of the population must be feeling the same cos the gate was only 13,000 - the lowest I've ever heard in there ...
I'm going to the gym now, well for a fitness assement, one step at a time! Then I am going into work to meet the principal tomorrow morning. Trying to rebuild and establish some of my old life again.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
cancer in the news 2
I did post quite a rant here about the latest "news" about thing that can pre-dispose you to cancer ... in the end I decided not to post it, but I was mad ... really ... GRRR
cancer in the news
Dina Rabinovitch died this week of breast cancer, aged 44. She was a Guardian journalist who blogged her experiences and wrote in the columns of the paper. There were some extracts in the paper yesterday. It made sad reading ... especially the bit about how her son has stopped asking her if her cancer will get better. How hard that is for mothers to be dying with young children?
In one of the entries she admits to feeling jealous of mums at the school gate who don't have cancer. It's not a proud thing to admit to, and I must say, I know what she means. I have felt that too, at times. You hate yourself for thinking it, but it creeps up on you.
I wonder now about Ann, the woman at hospital whom I made friends with, whose bowel cancer spread already. Sho has had to have chemo for a very long time. If I went to see her now, would she welcome me, or would it be hard to bear?
In one of the entries she admits to feeling jealous of mums at the school gate who don't have cancer. It's not a proud thing to admit to, and I must say, I know what she means. I have felt that too, at times. You hate yourself for thinking it, but it creeps up on you.
I wonder now about Ann, the woman at hospital whom I made friends with, whose bowel cancer spread already. Sho has had to have chemo for a very long time. If I went to see her now, would she welcome me, or would it be hard to bear?
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